Week 5 Midweek Special - BUMMED OUT.

Guys. I am supremely bummed out.

This is the first week in my training plan that I haven’t lost weight, and it’s kind of a crummy way to start week 5. Boooooooooooooooooooooo.

I only weigh in once per week, and I was so excited to weigh in today. I was convinced that I was going to finally be back under 170. I started week 4 at 170.2 pounds, so I would have only had to lose .3 pounds to be satisfied. Not even half a pound! It seemed like a no-brainer. I hit the sub-170 numbers back in the fall before I started what I lovingly called “my fat kick” and ate whatever I wanted. I was running consistently and really didn’t even bother with watching what I ate. Ah, how glorious that sounds.

I stepped on the scale AAANNNND! I gained 1.4 pounds. Bummer.

I knew this would come eventually. I had seen great steady losses each week since the beginning, so the proverbial shoe had to drop at some point. I just wish it didn’t come on the week I was so excited to finally bust through 170. I remember back when I was sort of horrified at being 150 pounds. This was during high school when I first became aware of my weight and what that meant in the social structure that is teenagerhood. As I got older I did fluctuate up and down here and there, but any time I approached the 150 pound mark I was just disappointed in myself. 170 is my new 150. I felt like once I got under 170 I would be okay, I would be able to get back my goal weight. I had enough self-discipline to do it.

I think we (the greater “we”) likes to attribute our weight to *reasons* more complex than our own behavior. I remember any time I made a comment about my postpartum weight people would say “well, you have a good reason”. Yeah, I did. For a while. But my son is going to be 2 in May and I still carry around 30 extra pounds. That’s what some (very lucky) women gain during their entire pregnancy. It felt like a tool to avoid a topic they may not have been comfortable commenting on, and I get that. But I didn’t feel like my pregnancy over a year ago really a good excuse for still being that much over my normal weight. It was the fact that I sat on my butt in a chair at a desk all day and didn’t want to put the energy into working out. Okay, continue to hear me out.

There are absolutely biological/physical/mental/emotional/etc *reasons* a person gains or loses weight. I have a vivid memory of my first ever boyfriend breaking up with me over the phone. I heated up spaghetti-O’s, sobbed, and ate the entire bowl with total detachment to the fact I was shoving those perfect little O’s into my mouth. There are also lots of genetic, biological, physical, etc., that impact a person’s ability to lose weight. My body changed quite a bit after pregnancy and the physical changes, how I hold fat, and my changed routine have been a huge factor in my ability to get back to my healthy target weight. I even have some of those unchangeable, not-my-damn-fault issues with my biology and chemistry that make things difficult. For example, I have extremely low iron and have had it my whole life. I have known this simple fact since I was in high school and attempted to donate blood to get out of class. The nurse tested my iron levels, laughed, and sent me to the school nurse immediately. 

Somewhere in my overtired overworked mom brain I still know I have very low iron. I know that me wanting to lay on the couch and eat chips and watch Planet Earth because I’m so fatigued may be more than just being tired. It was up to me to see my doctor about that and I didn’t for a long time, mostly because I didn’t feel like dealing with insurance and getting a new PCP and making the appointment and blah blah blah. When I finally got around to it, my PCP ordered blood tests because my chart shows I have had low iron in the past. The results came back and he was like 'HA YEAH over the counter iron pills ain’t fixing you'. I did a few months of weekly IV iron infusions to get my levels back up to a normal range and now take my iron pill every night without fail. Being in the 170’s for so long was, to me, a reflection on my behavior more so than my ability to lose weight or not. It wasn’t my blood’s fault I waited for so long to see my doctor. Also... french fries. 

Mainling coffee. Jk. It's iron.

So what does that have to do with anything? Well, I do have some good *reasons* to still be carrying this extra weight. I had a big baby and gained 70+ pounds despite having pretty normal pregnancy activity/eating habits. I am a full time graduate student, full time mom, I work full time, I have a commute, I have to sleep at some point. My body is different. I have a house to clean. I have a partner that I want to spend time with. I’m an introvert that wants to have some time alone. I’m planning a wedding. You get it. I have rattled off this list of very good *reasons* a million times, but to me, it’s moot. Truly. Lots of people do lots of things every day.

It’s the whole reason I started this training plan. Yeah, I have one billion things on my plate but that’s not a reason to be unhealthy. So why the heck was I so bummed about less than two pounds? Mostly because I used stupid reasons to make stupid decisions. I ate 9 delicious chicken wings on Friday at work for free-wings-for-the-Superbowl day instead of 3 or 4 and something healthier. I had a few delicious beers when I got home instead of just one. I didn’t even want to know how over my calories I was, so I stopped logging them after the 5th chicken wing. I decided to get a greasy Five Guys burger after 90 minutes of hot yoga and an hour long walk with Cooper instead of using all of those spare calories wisely. Honestly though, I don’t regret that. I don’t regret eating 9 wings, either, but I do wish I had used the opportunity to have some yummy stuff in moderation and then get some other yummy, healthier stuff to go along with it.

I also wish I had not let my previous weeks of success convince me I could get away with bad choices for a few days and not see any impacts. Do I care about a freakin’ pound in the long run? Hell no. But I had a goal in mind, I was so, so ready to say goodbye to 170 and never come back, and I botched it with Five Guys and beer. At least it tasted good.