Endless Life of Lists

I'm a writer. Not in the sense that I am going to write the next great American novel, but in the way that I need to write things down (usually by hand) in order to fully understand and remember them. I would hand write my notes in college, I write out my day at work or else I forget to call this person or that. I'm also sort of the "family manager", and unfortunately child rearing has rendered my brain mostly useless. This does not bode well when you're planning and coordinating multiple schedules and lives, so enter: lists. 

Lists are great, but sometimes I feel like a slave to them. They can be daunting, they can show you what you haven't yet accomplished. My life has revolved around my frozen breastmilk inventory list for at least 6 months now. I obsessed about how much I had in the freezer, prided myself when I hit 100, 200, 300, 400 ounces. If you think I sound insane, please, ask any breastfeeding mom how many ounces they have in the freezer and they will be able to tell you down to the ounce. I set an arbitrary goal of having 1,000oz frozen by the time I stopped nursing at a year. You know what they say about setting goals, though - you are just a speck floating in the vastness in the universe and sometimes you don't get what you want. That's what they say, right?

Teenager-esque cynicism aside, I am not going to reach that (again, arbitrary) goal. As with all things in parenting, I thought I kind of had a grasp on things and then they changed. By ~6 months I had almost 500oz in our freezer, so I assumed in another 6 months it would be double that. Mother nature had different plans, and for some reason unknown to me decided I was fit to bear children again (that's a fancy way of saying I got my period back). 

Me to the universe when my body decided ovulation was a good idea

You can't fight hormones. Between that and the stress of our move my supply absolutely tanked. For weeks and weeks I tried every natural remedy out there: fenugreek, chugging water, eating high-fat foods, getting more rest (HAHA JK), lactation smoothies, you name it. None of it helped. I started burning through our freezer stock and instead of facing the music that I would run out sooner than hoped, I ignored it. I usually crossed off each bag I used and after a month or two I just totally stopped.

Yes, that list is as stressful as it looks. 

I also started to get sick of my pump. I've read may posts of people saying they want to burn their pump in a fire, run it over with a car, etc., by the time they're done nursing and pumping, and now I get why. It's the reason I haven't had lunch somewhere other than a windowless room alone for over 8 months. It's the reason I'm always the last to go to bed. It kinda sucks. Around 8 months we got Noah on a new eating schedule that had him eating bigger "meals" less frequently + baby food meals, and I followed suit. I went down to pumping (or nursing him) 4 times per day. I finally was able to use one break at work for something other than pumping (a glorious day). Then, about 2-3 weeks later, the late afternoon session got less and less productive, and it came to the point where it wasn't worth it for me to go through the fuss just to get an ounce or two. 

Enter, mom guilt.

We live in a very pro-breastfeeding culture now, which is wonderful. Our hospital, pediatrician's office, and practice of obstetricians/midwives are very supportive of breastfeeding. It's still not easy. It's becoming more commonplace for people to nurse past 1, and the American Pediatric Association strongly encourages breastfeeding for the first year at least. I told myself that ever ounce I could get was beneficial, that I should at least get to a year. This made me feel guilty when I wanted to cut out a pumping session - if I can still get an ounce or two, it should be worth it, right? Here's the thing, though, as a parent you're going to be putting your child's need (and maybe your partners needs) before yours for their entire life. Sometimes you have to do what's right for you. You can't be there for your family if you're miserable. 

By 10 months (aka, like, last week) it was time to face reality and come up with a plan - A LIST! I took a full inventory of our freezer stock again to find I had about 180oz left, and that may seem like a lot but if we used just that to feed him it would last only a little over a week. I had three choices: pump more during the day (not appealing), pump in the middle of the night (REALLY not appealing), or start supplementing with formula. 

As I've said before, I know formula is great. I don't give a hoot if you breastfeed or formula feed. It just felt like I wasn't meeting my goal if I start supplementing with formula. I honestly don't know why I had such a deep desire to make it to year with nothing but breastmilk. I had a meek conversation with Adam (aka me trying not to cry and Adam telling me it was fine) about it, talked to our pediatrician (who immediately asked if I wanted some resources about upping my breastmilk supply, see what I mean?), and got some of their formula samples. I was immediately faced with my next list; INGREDIENTS. 

I read the ingredients list on the formula the pediatrician gave us and immediately marched our butts to Babies 'R Us. I quickly found out there weren't many other options. CORN SYRUP? SOY? Soy is the enemy in our house! What is the hell is DIACETYL TARTARIC ESTERS OF MONO- AND DIGLYCERIDES?! This is the best one I could find at the time, "best" meaning non-GMO and supposedly easy on the belly.

The turning point for me was realizing that Noah has already been consuming things other than my breastmilk for 4 months now, and that many babies get only formula and are totally fine. I also tried to channel some of the outwardly-chill demeanor people tell me I have and remember that he was still going to get mostly breastmilk and I needed to not act like it was the end of the world.

Because it wasn't. He does fine with a few ounces of formula per day, and it's what is going to ultimately get us to our goal of a year of breastfeeding. I don't know why I saw it as a monumental "thing". It wasn't a thing at all. It's just how things went. Take a chill pill, self.