Stories of Perspective

Pregnancy changes your perspective on a lot of things; your body, what "normal" feels like, your outlook on life, what things are important, where you should spend your money, the list goes on. I've thought a lot about perspective and how mine has changed, or how being pregnant changes people's perspective in general. Here are a few of my favorite stories.

"I'm feeling pretty good..."

I've been going to prenatal yoga since week 12, and it's one of the best thing I've done for myself my entire pregnancy thus far. My class starts with each woman introducing themselves and saying how far along they are and anything that's going on with their pregnancy/body that week they would like to work on. After a few weeks of going I had to laugh that after each round of discussion we had, our teacher would say "okay, well it sounds like we're going to have an easy and slow practice tonight." No matter how far along or how *good* everyone was feeling that day, it always called for a slow and easy hour of already-modified yoga. One story that stuck out to me was a woman about 34ish weeks along who's narrative went like this: "I'm feeling pretty good... actually, I have preeclampsia so I have some swelling, can't really eat salt, you know, kind of uncomfortable.... I haven't figured out a good way to sleep so I'm not getting a whole lot sleep... my shoes don't really fit *laughs*... but overall I feel pretty good!" Maybe she just had a positive outlook on life, but from what I've read preeclampsia doesn't feel *pretty good*. For those of you that don't read WebMD for conditions you may never have (see: testicular cancer, for me), my yoga teacher explained it best in layman's terms: it's basically your body starting to reject the baby. Websites don't put it that way, and I can't say that it's fact, but basically your blood pressure spikes, you retain water and swell up like a balloon, and if it persists it can be life-threatening to you and baby. I suppose after 34 weeks of pregnancy mild preeclampsia isn't a reason to wallow and feel crappy. It certainly didn't stop her from making it to a yoga class. You go, girl.

"I'm Okay"

This is in the same vein as the last story, but it's about me. I had a bout of round ligament pain at 17 weeks; for those that aren't familiar, the round ligaments surround the uterus and stretch and thicken to support it during pregnancy. For me, round ligament pain consisted of the sharp, jabbing pain when sneezing or moving too quickly that most are familiar with, but also a dull, constant ache in my lower abdomen. One morning I woke up for work and could tell I would be achy all day. There's nothing you can really do for this type of pain when you're sitting at a desk all day, but as a woman you learn to deal with these types of pains with a (forced) smile on your face. I got up for the 20th (slight exaggeration, but only slight) time to pee and lumbered back to my desk, hand propped on my lower back (also giving me dull, achy pains all day). Someone noticed and asked if I was getting kicked ("I saw you holding your back!"). I smiled and said, "oh, just a back ache!". What I wanted to say was, "No, not at that moment, but a few minutes ago I was getting kicked in the uterus. It was magical and weird. But no, not right now. Right now my uterus that started the size of an orange is the size of a cantaloupe and no longer fits inside my pelvis, so the everything is stretching and it feels awful. Also, it's smushing all of my internal organs. My stomach feels like it might explode out of my body, or maybe I'm hungry, I can't tell. I can't sit upright because it puts too much pressure on my abdomen and makes me nauseous. That's what's up." So what's the story on perspective? Well, pregnancy has heightened my awareness on how people interact with me and how much information they really want. I can tell when people are asking a question because they care but also are being polite, and which people really do want to know more. I don't look at those groups of people differently, but I do modify the truth to what fits the situation. This mental juggling may sound tiring, but it's actually sometimes easier just to say "I'm fine" than explain how I really feel.

Body Talk

I "popped" around 15-16 weeks, though it was partially baby and partially stuffing my sausage legs into non-maternity pants. "Honey, please stop referring to them as 'love handles'. It's weird.", was something I heard from fiancé more than once. I knew the number on the scale was climbing at that point, and a doctor's appointment confirmed I had gained about 4-5 more pounds over the prior 3-4 weeks. I know people might scoff at that and say they gained that much on Thanksgiving, but I assure you that you didn't retain that. Sometimes my weight fluctuates 5 pounds from morning to evening, but I had gained 4-5 retained pounds, if that makes sense. Anyway, after the doctor's appointment my  mom asked me how much I weighed and she nearly hit the floor when I told her. I'm up 11 pounds so far (feels like 50), but she guessed 28 pounds less than I actually am. She simply didn't believe me. I couldn't understand how she thought I weighed what I haven't in, like, two years, but then again I feel like a frickin' manatee and I'm not even halfway. I type this with my belly protruding out of my size large pajama pants.

I might feel like a manatee, but it's a slow change that's not always noticeable over the weeks. It wasn't until we took a "belly pic" on Christmas and compared it to my first one at 5 weeks that my eyes popped out of my head. My mom's reaction was "HOOOOOHOHOHOWHOAAA, WHOA. MY GOODNESS." Thank you, mom. I knew it had been a big change since most of my clothes didn't fit and the underwear+bras I bought 8 weeks ago "with some extra room" are suddenly uncomfortably tight, but seeing is really believing. The belly is here.

Male Doctors and Being Comfortable with Anything

I would say I have a normal level of discomfort with sharing information about my bodily functions. I get a little red faced when the OB-GYN asks if I have oral, anal, vaginal sex, or all when I go in because I think I have a yeast infection. I had some hesitations about seeing a male OB-GYN, especially since I've only ever seen females. I don't think anyone particularly enjoys stripping down for a full-body physical, but I had a little extra relief when our doctor said I didn't have to do another physical at our most recent appointment (which was our first with him). A few minutes later, though, I realized how little I cared that he was a man, because he was the one that let us hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time (we had only seen it on the first ultrasound). I've really stopped caring about things I may have been embarrassed to talk about before. It's not weird to have people tell me my nipples are going to get bigger. I can just hear all of my more modest friends cringing at that sentence. So much is happening to me, amazing and crazy and uncomfortable and amazing again, and they are all things that have happened to every pregnant woman. They're all things every OB-GYN has seen a bajillion times ("I haven't pooped in 4 days please help me"), and they're all things moms have great advice on ("take the cocoa butter, rub it on your belly, thighs, butt, and sides of your boobs if you ever want them to look the same after this"). Pregnancy has a way of letting you let go of those things that may turn your face red and breaks down the wall to let everyone and anyone that has been there give you unfiltered, honest advice you can actually use.

In other news that I alluded to earlier, we got to hear the heartbeat at our last appointment, 148 bpm, and everything is measure on track. I feel movement and kicks several times a day now. Our anatomy scan is just after the new year, and if baby cooperates we will start planning a gender reveal for late January!

My "...Situation" aka "That Whole Fetus Thing"

We can all agree that finding a new job sucks. It takes a lot of time, a lot of stress, and a lot of energy. I've been on the job hunt multiple times, but of course never while pregnant. I was suddenly thrust into a whole new world of unknowns (in many ways, really) and realized I may actually be subject to discrimination for the first time. Sure, women are discriminated against in discreet and obvious ways all the time, but being a white woman from a standard middle class upbringing means I haven't really faced much discrimination in my life. Sure, maybe things here and there, but overall my life has been pretty easy in comparison to many. 

So many women are waiting to start families because they want to focus on their career first. It makes sense, being more financially stable is a good idea if you want to have kids. The reality is also that having a child wildly changes your life, and not everyone is comfortable or feels they can take a lot of time away work and still advance. I would like to say that many workplaces are very accommodating to mothers in the 21st century, but I don't really know. As I searched for jobs I was mostly concerned about when to tell my potential employer that I was pregnant, and if disclosing that would affect my chances of getting a job.

Discriminating against pregnant women is illegal in hiring process and the workplace, but the answer I consistently uncovered in my research in articles, forums, etc., was to not disclose the information until you at least had an offer (many waited until they actually had the job). Sure, you legally cannot be discriminated against because you are pregnant but there's 100 other reasons an employer could give you for not being offered the job (and who knows, they may be legit, but they also may not). 

The next thing I learned was that I would not be protected under the Family Medical Leave Act because I needed to be working for an employer for a year to qualify. Basically, I am not guaranteed paid leave, a certain length of leave, or that my job would be available after my leave no matter where I work. Based on that, I decided I would disclose my pregnancy once I had an offer because if an employer wasn't willing to work with me then I wouldn't be willing to work for them. 

I had a pretty typical job search experience: sending out a million applications, resumes, cover letters, hearing back every now and then, stressing, day dreaming, the usual. Eventually I landed an interview and stuck with my plan to disclose after getting an offer. I got the offer and reached out to the recruiter I had worked with (third party, not part of the organization I interviewed with) who happened to be a very curt, business-focused man that I only ever talked to on the phone. I asked to talk to talk to the person I interviewed with, a pleasant, warm, woman that I assumed would know more about how they would handle my needs. He insisted I go through him, so I awkwardly composed an email, hit send, and hoped for the best. Thankfully, my future employer was willing to work with my needs and said I would eligible to return to my job after a leave since I would be fully trained. The recruiter, on the other hand, only referred to my pregnancy as "your... ~situation~" liked I had contracted some unmentionable disease. 

The transition to a new schedule and routine has been a little tough, but good overall. We told the whole world a week before I started my job, so my next hurdle was figuring out if/when to tell my training group (~25 people + members of the leadership team that filter in and out daily during training). I could tell right off the bat that it was an accepting and supportive culture, and saw a few rooms dedicated to nursing moms. We had a typical, awkward first ice breaker in which we received a word and had to introduce ourselves in front of the group with an additional 15-20 people from the leadership team, then connect ourselves to the word. The business school flashbacks consumed me. Anyway, my word was cupcake, and as people said their names, word, and anecdotes, I thought "hm, maybe I should just get it out of the way now, tell the whole world! Everyone will know!" Remember, at this point I still don't look pregnant except maybe to those that know me well.

He knows the stress of cupcakes.

My introduction went like this: "Hi everyone, my name is Molly. Before this I was working for a non-profit focused on land conservation and recreation. My word is 'cupcake', and I like to think that like cupcakes I go well in any situation"... I can feel the red flush creeping up my face to my cheeks ... "also, my mom is pastry chef and I might bring in cupcakes from time to time" ... just say it ... and I sit down as the room chuckles and wonders when exactly those cupcakes will be arriving. I wanted to say "and my fiance and I are expecting our first baby, so I could really go for a cupcake right now". Funny, cute, perfect way to get it out there. Unfortunately, the room full of 40+ strangers and my anxiety stopped me. 

After a few days and learning about a few other people with young children in the group, I started to tell smaller groups. I haven't quite figured out how to say it in a way that doesn't feel slightly awkward ("how was your lunch?" "It was okay, but I have to pump so it's a little lonely." "Oh! (perfect segue?) Sorry to hear that..... I'm actually pregnant!") Everyone I have told has been super supportive and excited for me, but I have had a few of those awkward interactions that go like: "Congratulations!" *eye contact* *look at my belly* *back to eye contact* "that's so great!" or "you don't even look it!". I know, that's because the baby is the size of a navel orange right now. Orange you glad I told you that fun fact?

.... sorry.

Anyway, what I learned is that job hunting sucks 99% of the time and being pregnant only adds stress. I chose to disclose sooner than some, but I feel like I made the right choice. I don't want to work somewhere that is unwilling to work with me. Sometimes pregnancy at work feels like some sort of disability (maybe since it's legally classified as one) or elephant in the room, and I still don't feel totally comfortable about it yet. Yes, everyone has been great so far, but I still feel added pressure that I need to be on my game since my job legally isn't guaranteed after my leave. I will become a permanent employee at the end of February, then have to go on leave 3ish months later. That's a bit stressful, but I'm hoping I made a good choice and am somewhere that doesn't see pregnancy as my ... "situation".