Lessons Learned

Well hello from my couch! It's a Monday night, I should be doing my homework to just GET-IT-DONE for the week, but it's my last discussion board so here I am procrastinating. 

So, instead of the necessary homework in my last week of the term, I will go ahead and sip my (vodka) apple tonic and relay all of the lessons I have learned in one year or parenthood. 

Your Relationship With Your Child Is Just That

…and relationships take work and time.

Contrary to popular belief, it is very common to not feel the amazing unicorn and rainbow connection with your baby the second they are born. Birth is an incredible but also physically and emotionally taxing experience. I felt like I was on another planet by the time he came out (could also be due to the long labor and significant blood loss I experienced). If you don’t know our story, I’ll give you the quick rundown – I labored for 22 hours and pushed for 3 hours, I was hair’s width away from a C-section. I had an episiotomy and vacuum assist to get Noah out. He was immediately taken away to be checked and didn’t cry. He had inhaled meconium (essentially, his “poop” in the womb) and had fluid in his lungs. He was “singing”, which sounds cute but is NOT what you want. It took what seemed like forever for them to get him back to me, I remember the nurses telling me I had about 30 seconds to say hello and snap a photo, and then they took him away. I was, and I say this with the utmost affection, looking pretty damn horrible.

I had lost a lot of blood and (in my opinion) should probably have gotten a blood transfusion (but whatever, I’m not a doctor). Noah was in the little nursery at our hospital but they didn’t have the resources to provide what he needed, so we had to make the decision to send him to Boston Children’s Hospital or Children’s Hospital At Dartmouth-Hitchcock, we chose CHAD. He was born at 10:28p, transported to CHAD at 5am (almost by helicopter!), and they offered to discharge me that day, too. I almost laughed in their faces because I couldn’t walk and barely had the ability to go to the bathroom on my own. I stayed another night and then we went to the NICU at CHAD to be with him for the next 5 days. I was delighted to hold him for the first time but remember feeling so weird because we were in the middle of this open NICU (let’s face it, the flimsy curtains don’t do a whole lot for your privacy), and I was still a total wreck. I was in love with him but also felt like “what the hell just happened and WHAT IS GOING ON?”

Yes, that was the short version. I’ve heard this story told many times from moms with babies in NICU, C-section moms, first-time moms, actually just any sort of mom you can think of. We went on to have a pretty rocky start despite Noah actually being a very decent sleeper. Breastfeeding was hard, Adam had a very short amount of time off of work, and I didn’t ask for much help. Noah was about as colicky as they come and our days were spent just trying to make him not scream. It took until about 2 months until we really enjoyed him (and he enjoyed us/the world), and until about 4-6 months until he really came into his own.

Relationships take work, the relationship with your child is no exception. Yes, you have an inherently unique bond that no other relationship ever will, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. You just have to keep working at it and eventually it will come into place.

Feed Your Baby However You See Fit

The decision to breastfeed was probably one of the most important ones we made. I was blind to how difficult it would be. I cannot tell you how many times I thought “screw this, I’m done”, especially in the early days because he wanted to nurse on the hour every hour from about 5am – 10pm. I thought I was going to lose my mind. Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if we had supplemented with formula, if would have given me a bit of break in the early days and when I went back to work, but I don’t think I would change it. We eventually did switch to formula at about 10.5 months when my supply dried up. All that is to say is just feed your baby however you need to. Sometimes breastfeeding works, sometimes it doesn’t. Some people out there can make you think formula is poison. It’s true that formula can never fully replicate breastmilk, and that breastmilk is basically superhuman liquid gold, but formula is a really great option. My baby that LOVED mama’s milk is now doing just fine and happily guzzling up formula like a champ. Just do what you gotta do to not lose your mind and make sure baby is healthy.

This Too Shall Pass, Don’t Give Up On A Bad Day

These two mantras helped me through the hardest days of our first year. When I was having trouble with breastfeeding I turned to my mom friends and online groups/forums, and the best piece of advice I stumbled upon was “don’t give up on a bad day”. It got me through the most frustrating times and ultimately allowed me to end our breastfeeding journey on a positive note.

This too shall pass is what I tell myself and Adam when we have hard times with Noah – colic, teething, a bad cold, a night of puking. It doesn’t necessarily make it easier in that moment but it reminds us that that hard times will

Mastery? HAHA.

They say it takes 10,000 hours to master something. By that logic, I should be a master parent long before I am actually going to have a piece of expensive paper saying I am a Master of Business Administration and Nonprofit Leadership. I assure you I will get the Mastery of the academic world first. Let's do some math.

Let's assume you're a parent 24 hours per day, because you are. With 24 hours in a day, you hit the 10,000 hour mark at day 416.67. Noah has been on this planet for 373 days, so I am well on my way to all-out parent mastery. Right? ......... RIGHT? 

NO. 

The thing with babies is that the second you think you have them *figured out*, something changes. Like, literally within a day. Every single time I'm like "ahh, okay, yeah, we kinda got his sleep routine down", he's up that night for two hours for no apparent reason. Here's the thing - there's a reason, but who the hell knows what it is. Teeth? Gas? Wants to have a conversation about the Milky Way? Dream? Hungry? Cold? Warm? Who the heck knows. Just give up the notion that you'll be good at anything and you'll be much happier - and, guess what, you probably ARE good at this whole parenting thing. Especially if you're worried you're not.

There’s Nothing More Amazing

There is truly nothing more amazing than growing, bringing into the world, and then raising another human being. Seriously. THINK ABOUT IT FOR A SECOND. Our cells came together and created a human being, which I cooked inside my body for 40 weeks and 2 days (never letting go to the extra two days - sorry, Noah), then he somehow FIT THROUGH MY PELVIS (and other areas) to come into this life. He went from a little (jk he was big) hopeless bundle wrapped up in a nursery crib to a vibrant, energetic, talkative, and (still) darn cute little man. He has brought joy to every single person in his path and we have the blessing of sitting back and watching it happen. I can't tell you how many people tell me they can't wait to see his pictures, they show him off to their entire extended families, and love him so so much. He has his own force and gravity in this world and there are still times I can't believe how incredible that is. 

Be A Kid Again, And Enjoy It

Some of my favorite moments every week are getting up early with Noah on a weekend and relaxing on the couch with cartoons on. Get down on the floor and play with their toys with them. See the world through their eyes the best you can. It's so cool to experience the world for the first again through their experiences. I always think about the first time Noah is interacting with something - a pumpkin, a dandelion, the hose, the broom, the taste of hummus. The most mundane of things become much more interesting when you watch a little person experience them for the first time and try to put yourself back in those shoes.

Make Mom Friends

SERIOUSLY. DO IT. 

I am blessed to have some great mom friends, but the one downside is that a majority of them don’t live near me. I don’t have many regrets in life but I really do regret not going to a new moms group/breastfeeding group/baby play group during my maternity leave. Having mom friends is vital to your survival as a new parent. They’re up at 3am when you just changed an epic blowout diaper and want to laugh or complain about it. They’ve experienced the weird thing that your baby is doing this week. They know that when a new mom is going on a rant about something or sharing her struggles all you need to (and should say) is something along the lines of “you are a warrior goddess woman… and you look so pretty!” In short, they’re the best.

The Longest Shortest Time

I stole this phrase from the best parenting podcast I listen to with the same name. The host of the show used this phrase to describe the first year of parenthood and it stuck. It is the best way to explain the first year of parenting. It truly has been the longest shortest time of my, and our, life. The days are long and the year is short. 

I remember in the first few months complete strangers in the grocery store would say "oh sweetie, enjoy every moment, they just grow up so fast." And I would think my child is screaming, I've been wearing the same gross nursing bra for 8 days straight, I can't even fit the amount of groceries I need in this damn cart because the carseat is taking up 60% of it, I forgot the freakin' list and I have no short term memory so I don't even know what the hell I came here for, and now you are in my way and telling me to enjoy this moment. Read: consider what you say to complete strangers in public. Anyway, I digress. So often everyone will say: "He's -insert age- now? Oh my goodness! What a fast -insert amount of time-! Hasn't it been such a quick -insert same amount of time-?" And I'd be like:

But then in moments I see a picture of Noah, I watch him take his first steps to me, I hear him repeat the exact noise I just made, I catch a glimpse of him in the mirror in front of his car seat, and I wonder where the heck my baby went. I know how much change and progress he has made and it blows my mind. The longest shortest time. 

I'll let my Noah take it from here.